There are more members on relatieplanet.nl (a Dutch dating site) than there are singles in the Netherlands. There is a dating site, secondlove.nl, especially for people who are in a relationship but are looking for a flirt behind the back of their partner. They have 603.000 members (3,5% of the Dutch population). Why? Why cheat? Why not being open about it. There is something as polyamory: having more than one sexual partner. It can be a lovely solution.
I live in the South of the Netherlands. We celebrate carnival. The Northern part (above the rivers) doesn’t. I have a friend living in the most Northern state of my country. He always comes over to celebrate carnival with me. Every year it’s the same story. He gets a drunk, sees a nice girl, flirts with her and comes over to inform if I have condoms with me. He’s married. Has two kids. Up until now nothing really has happened. Just a flirt. No sex. He says. But the intention is there.
I’ve got a female friend. She is a real sex bomb. She likes to go for it at least once a day. She was married with a guy who finds once a month more than enough. She’s pretty spiritual, he can’t talk about emotions. No clue why they got together. She wanted to have a baby badly. I think you could see from miles away that this would go wrong and it did. They split up.
More sexual partners
With both friends I talked about polyamory. Both confirmed that they would like to have more sexual partners. My carnival friend just thought his wife would never agree, so he didn’t even bother to talk about it. My sex bomb friend loved the idea, but didn’t like the idea that her husband would have the same ‘permission’. She just wanted him for herself.
There is this crazy idea in the West that a man can only be with one woman and a woman can only be with one men. Why? This is and idea put on us by our culture. A picture we see in movies, advertisement, told to us by the church, our parents. But it’s not more than that: a picture. It’s up to us if we follow this example or that we question it and find our own way.
Don’t misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong wit a stereotype relationship. If the two partners are happy with each other, don’t have other needs, it can work perfectly fine. I do see enough examples around me who do work. But I also see a lot of relationships that don’t. Breaking up an option, but maybe polyamory can be an option as well. Strangely enough in our society we have the idea we ‘own’ our partner sexually when we have a relationship with them.
I have had a few open relationships myself. For me there are two things important. One; it is a relationship. I’m not a guy who just sleeps around. I think there is a energetic danger in just having sex with a lot of people. I really like to connect. Two: honesty. The last open relation I was in her other boyfriend didn’t know she was seeing me as well. I understand somebody needs some time to talk with their partner. I prefer doing this before getting involved with another. Even better: make the other clear how you look at relationships before entering them.
Polyamory can take a lot of pressure out of a relationship, I think. There are a lot of things I like to share with my partner: travelling, food, yoga, tantra, hiking, water sports, snowboarding. Finding this all in one partner is a pretty demanding wishlist. Dividing it over two partners makes it a lot easier. I have another friend who really likes to visit museums. At the same time he is a big party animal. Going to heavy trance dance parties. He has one friend he does romantic city trips with, with another friend he goes dancing. He’s okay if they have other partners as well, but they say he has to choose. Why? Why can’t he see both? Why sticking to this standard picture?
Polyamory can work
Polyamory can work. Two friends of mine live together with a third guy. The girl has a relationship with both guys, the guys are good friends. Off course they had to let go of a bit of ego as well. Had to ‘come loose’ from old ideas, but now they are happy with this situation. My friend has a relationship every now and then next to ‘the one at home’.
Another friend noticed that she falls in love with somebody sometimes, even when she is very happy in her relationship. She is having an open relationship now as well. She’s together with a guy who lives on the other side of town with his girlfriend. That girlfriend has got a second relationship as well. Last Christmas they celebrated: the four of them. All know what is going on, all feel happy about it.
I’m a tantric yogi. Tantra is so much more than just playing with sexual energy at the same time that can be an important part of it. To be able to do that, you want to feel totally happy and comfortable with your partner. If you feel restricted, trapped in your relationship, hold back, it’s not going to work. Splitting up can be a solution, but are you going to find all that you are looking for in your next partner? Why not have two or a few partners? Polyamory is a lovely solution.