Want to become a better lover? Play with yourself! Maybe it sounds paradoxical, but it really works. Well, at least: if you dare to talk about it as well.
I’m practicing tantra for a few years now. A lot of people around me knew it, before I started writing about it. As a result I’ve got a lot of questions of friends and acquaintances. Mostly I got and get questions when a love (sex) life gets stuck. There is not much happening anymore in (and around) the bed and my friends are hoping to ‘spice it up’ a bit. Most of them hope I have a magic tantra trick which will make an extinct love-life blossom again. My answers is mostly not what they hope for.
See; the thing is: there is no fairy dust you can sprinkle on your sex-life and it will all magically happen. Tantra is training. But most of all: tantra is communication. That’s the foundation of it. For some reason talking about sex in a relationship is for a lot of people still a taboo. And there is one more taboo that makes it even more complex: to play with yourself. Some people don’t do it, because it’s socially inappropriate. Most do it, but talking about it….
When I have people asking me for some tantra advice I always start with a return question: What does your lover like when you make love. Shockingly most can’t give an answer. Well. They do, but it will be something like: “When I do this, she/he seems to like it.” But if I ask what their partner told them, they love in bed, the can’t give an answer. They never asked. If you never ask, how can you know? How can you give your partner a good time in bed, without knowing what they like?
Of course: part of the fun in the beginning is discovering what the others likes. Exploring. Yet; after the exploring it’s time for a little talk. What do you like, what does your partner like? What turn you on? What turns your partner on? This doesn’t have to be a very serious talk. You can make it playful. Do it in bed. Show each other. Maybe one can watch, while the other shows what he/she likes and not only shows, but tells as well. Just be clear. Give each other the manual of your body. Tell each other your desires.
Play with yourself
This only works if you know what you like. Mostly we have an idea what turns us on. But what do we like? How do we like to be touched. If people who consult me can’t answer question one, this will be always my second question. What do you like? What gives you a good feeling? Turns you on? Guys are really shit in answering this simple question. They jerk off. They know that part of their body; but for the rest…? They don’t really touch themselves. It’s not a guy thing. They put on some porn and that does the trick. But how can you make love to your girlfriend a weekend long if this is the only satisfaction you know? And how can you help your girlfriend satisfying you more if you don’t know what you like? Play with yourself. Discover and share.
As I said before: girls are normally better at answering. They know their body contains more erogenous zones then just their breasts and yoni. Their problem is often talking about their desires. That is: if their desires are socially unacceptable. There is still this image that girls have to be good girls. Otherwise they are sluts. Sigmund Freud named it the Madonna – Whore complex. In his book Tantra Osho states that you can’t practice tantra within a marriage. “How can a woman be a slut in the bedroom, when she wants to be a man’s equal outside of it? Because of this complex she will never be able to let go fully when she’s having sex. If you can’t let go, you can’t do tantra.”
Also look at the success of Fifty Shades of Grey. A not very well written book, according to a lot of people. But who cared? Intrigued as every body was by the story of a girl discovering ‘the dark side’ of sex. A bestseller, because it appealed to women’s desires.
So if you want to improve your love life: you have to start talking. It means we men have to let go of our fears. To many are not busy making love, they are either busy scoring themselves or busy performing. They want to be the man and as soon as a girl says what she really likes, they feel they do something wrong. But it’s not about wrong or right: it’s about improving your love-life. Finding out what you both want.
At the same time: girls have to dare to follow their desires and let their lovers know what they desire. Even if it’s ‘on the dark side’. Morality is something for outside the bedroom. In the bedroom is only place for making love. Amazing love. So plya with yourself, talk about it and make love the way you and your lover really enjoy it.
You’ll find more tantra on my tantra page.
Illustration: Sara Bigatti