I want to scream from happiness, want to cry from sadness, want to yell from anger and just want to sit quiet at the same time. I’ve read about it so many times, but finally, finally I start to feel it. Feel this little monster inside of me that’s responsible for all my sorrow. The little monster that is called ‘mind’.
I knew it for a long time: I’m creating my own sorrow. Whatever happens to me, is over in a moment, because there is nothing more than the moment. A melting first kiss that makes me fall in love, with a beautiful yogini, the robbery a few weeks ago, that uncomfortable feeling in some asanas, that hopeless feeling I have dealing with telephone companies, insurance companies, the sorrow of saying goodbye to good friends after travelling together for a while: there just moments. What creates the feelings of insecurity, anger, sadness, happiness is my mind. All this thinking, contemplating, guessing that follows on ‘a moment’, is created by my mind. And I know I have to stop that, but that’s easier said than done.
So far it was pure knowledge. Coming from books, written by people who had experienced it themselves. I read it, understood it, know it, but there is always this barrier between knowing and feeling. So for the last couple of days I decided to meditate on it. To do a nice, ‘opening’ yoga series (lots of hips, chest, heart openers) and then sit quiet and focus on the words: ‘I create my own sorrow’. After two sessions I don’t only knew it, I started to feel it as well. Feel it deep inside of my, becoming totally aware of the truth of this simple line, becoming totally aware of the little monster inside of me. This little ego that for some reasons like to feel sorry for itself, likes suffering more than happiness. This little monster that likes to bring up thoughts all day, attacking my mind with all stupid ideas, theories of things that might happen, things people could think, say or do, while I actually know that they won’t happen. This little monster in my that puts my head full of garbage, trying to throw me off balance.
I knew this all for a while, I knew the little monster existed; I knew what it did, but I just couldn’t feel it. Couldn’t become aware of it with every part of my body. Now I start to feel it. Start to breath it, to live it. Know I can just laugh about it, laugh about this little monster inside of me and I can let it go and rest, become deaf to its ideas, its suggestions, its remarks and by doing so I can hopefully make it shut up.