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How to find the right partner: if you want a cat, don't take a dog.

How to find the right partner

One of the nicest things of tantra for me is working together with a partner. Letting energy flow from one to another; from a yin pole to a yang pole. But how to find the right partner; not only for tantra, but in life in general?

This morning Hennie came over for a massage and a cup of tea. We know each other from our study Sport massage and ever since we’re friends. We have a bit the same look on life. Two free souls, who like to wander around. We have the same view on relationships as well. Loving our freedom. One of the topics we talked about is ‘relation stress’. We have so many people around us, who are stressed because they don’t have a relationship. We both like to go out on dates, but we are noticing everybody is convulsively looking for a partner. You can’t go out on a date anymore to have fun and just see where it ends up, it has to end up in a relationship. I think that ‘demand’ puts a lot of pressure on a date. But he, who am I?

A partner will make you happy

There is this idea that having a partner will make you happy. If you look at dating sites you actually see people shouting out for it. You will see profiles with phrases like: ‘Who is going to make me happy again?’, ‘I want to be together again, because life with a partner is nicer than alone’. To answer the first question: nobody is going to make you happy again, but yourself. I will write a blog about that next time. But for now, I’m sorry: you have to take your happiness in your own hands. It’s totally up to you. If you let it depend on a partner, you will only end up miserable.

To answer the second question: is it really? Is life better with a partner? I know we are all trying to live up to this image that has been held in front of our nose for years and that tells you you ought to have a partner, a big house, big car, big television, lots of money and a big career. But is that making you happy, or is that the picture that is actually holding you back from happiness?

I have a lot of people around me who are in a relationship. Believe me, a lot of them aren’t happy as well. Simply, because they are with ‘the wrong’ partner. Some of them were so eager to have a relationship, they actually forgot the question themselves if they were happy with it. Now they know they are not, but they are so afraid of being alone, they stay in it.

Changing your partner

Some friends – mostly the girls – think they will be able to change their partner, so their partner will be the person they can be happy with. I know one lady who actually says: “My husband wasn’t any good when I met him, but I’ve changed him in what he is now and I’m very proud on that.”  Believe me: people don’t change unless they want to change. Nobody else is going to do it. They might behave the way you want around you, but are they truly themselves or just acting the person you want to see? Do you want to be married with a real person or with somebody who is always acting around you and – be honest – in that way cheating you, because what they show is not real.

I love the work of Don Miguel Ruiz, a spiritual teacher from Mexico. If you’re going to study yoga with me; you have to read his work. He wrote a masterpiece: Mastery of Love. He puts it very simple: if you want a cat, don’t take a dog. You meet a nice girl, you fall in love and for some reason we stay together, even when we find out it’s not working. The thing is: you never fall in love with that person, you always fall in love with the idea you have, the picture you create in your mind of that person. Only over time you can find out who that person really is. A first impression is just a first impression. The stupid thing is: often we know. From the beginning on. Last week I wrote a blog about polyamory (having more than one sexual lover; openly). In that blog I already gave you the example of a friend of mine. She was with a guy who didn’t fill her needs sexually and emotionally. She knew it form the beginning on. Still she stayed with him, because he was a stable guy to have a baby with. Now they have a child, but have also split up as well, because it wasn’t working. They tried relation therapy. No luck. Why not? Simple: she wanted a dog, but fell in love with a cat. She tried to make the cat bark, but it didn’t work.

Blaming our partner

She’s not the only one. A lot of us do it. We are blaming our partner for not being the person we saw in them when we just met them. It’s not fair to blame our partner. We have to blame our self. We created a wrong image in our mind on the first impression. It’s time to let go of that image and ask ourselves if the partner is the person we want to be with. Real love is not trying to change your partner to be the person you want him/her to be. That’s manipulation. Real love is loving your partner for who he or she really is. A cat or a dog.

One of my best friends is my ex-girlfriend. A lot of people think it’s strange to be friends with your ex. We split up, seven years ago. We both know why. She is an amazing girl, but I’m looking for something in my girlfriend she hadn’t. That doesn’t mean she is not good enough, she had failed, it only means I’m looking for someone, something else. The other way around as well. She wanted something of me, couldn’t offer. Not because I’m not good enough, just because I look at life differently. So we split up. We still like each other a lot, still have a lot in common, we traveled around the world together, see each other, but we know we shouldn’t be together. It took us a few years to find out, than we split up.

Splitting up isn’t always easy. It can be pretty comfortable together. But if you want your partner to be a cat and he/she is a dog, than the only option is letting go. I think that’s and act of love as well. If you stay together, while you are not happy you are actually cheating as well. Sometimes you have to let go to give your partner the chance to be happy with somebody that fits better by what he/she wants. And that way you are giving yourself the chance to be happy again as well.

The path of tantra

If you want to enter the path of tantra, it only works when you are totally happy with the partner you have. You want to get out of your mind and into your body. You want the yin and yang energy to connect and it never will if there is a mentally obstruction.

And even if you are not interested in the path of tantra a relationship will only work if you love your partner for who he or she is. So if you like dogs, go and find a dog. If you are a cat person, go and find a cat. And when you find out your partner mews when you thought you had found your dog let go. When you find out your partner actually barks, where you thought he/she was purring, let go as well and find your real love. A love that you don’t want to change, that doesn’t want to change you but is fulfilling and overflowing.

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