About two years ago I gave a Meditation workshop with my friend Caroline at her make-up and beauty salon Skin (Zen) Center La Joline in Waalwijk. We wanted to teach that real beauty comes from the inside and that going to a beauty salon once every month doesn’t work if you go the rest of the month stressed through life. At one of the meditations we did we asked people to look in a mirror, look at themselves and say to themselves: ‘I love you’. Nobody could. Can you? How much do you love yourself?
I’ve been writing a lot about relationships lately, a lot about finding the right partner, opening up your relationship into a polyamory one, if you feel the need for more than one sexual partner. But there is one thing, one fundamental thing there has to be before you enter a relationship with someone else: enough love for yourself. And that’s precisely where it goes wrong with a lot of people.
We don’t love ourselves
We don’t love ourselves enough and by not doing this, we always depend on the love of somebody else. Making ourselves dependent of somebody else.
In my last story about relationships I already mentioned Don Miguel Ruiz and his amazing book Mastery of Love. He uses a very simple example in this book. If you have enough food to eat for the rest of the year and somebody comes to your door, offering you a pizza to eat, if you kill your neighbor for him, would you accept the pizza? Probably not. Well, I hope not, even when you don’t like your neighbor.
But if you are hungry, really, really hungry. You haven’t eaten for weeks and are close to dying. You have no food at home and no means to get any in the months coming and that same guy comes to the door; offering you pizza again if you kill your neighbor, would you do it? Maybe you’ve never had real hunger, maybe you’ve never been close do dying, but I think the chance is big you will do it. If that’s your only way to survive?
With love it’s the same. If you have enough love for yourself, if your heart is overflowing with love and somebody comes up to you, offering you his/her love, but under a harsh condition you will decline. But what if you don’t have enough love for yourself? We are all looking for love. We all want our glass to be full of love. What if we can only half fill it up ourselves? What if somebody comes along and fills up the other half? We will be happy. Now we have a full glass off love. We have what we want.
But now we are depending on that other person. What if that other person one day decides not to fill up our glass, because he/she is angry at us? Or even worse what if that other person one day decides to go away? Leaving us again with our glass only half filled up with love? We probably will be angry at that person. We will blame the other for taking their love away, for not filling up our glass. Leaving us with a half full glass.
The problem is you
But the problems is not the other person. The problem is you. You made yourself dependent on somebody else. You forgot to learn to love yourself so much you don’t need anything or anybody else. You forgot to do what you are here for on earth: grow. Grow as a person. Your task is to become strong, your task is to love yourself so much you don’t need somebody else. Your task is to overflow with love, so you can share your love.
Of course it’s nice to connect with another soul. To connect with a lover, to share love. To walk the path of tantra together, grow together, but you want to do this as two independent souls. Sharing the extras you have to give, not being together because of the needs you have; holding somebody else responsible for your happiness.
So what’s your situation? Do you love yourself?